There will always be five.

Despite receiving absolutely heart-breaking news on December 26, 2018, I firmly believe that I will always celebrate being a mama to three precious little babies.

I’m sure there are a million questions: “Why share so soon? Isn’t it too raw? Why share at all? Can you really grieve someone you never met?” To be honest, there are questions about our situation that I may not ever have the answers to and maybe we are in the minority to use this platform to share about a loss that we don’t fully understand. But, after weeks of prayer and consideration, we are resting in the promise that our story is being used for His glory.

Let me rewind…over thanksgiving break, we were shocked to find out that we were expecting our third child! We were so incredibly scared and so very in love in the same moment! Just before Christmas, I began experiencing severe complications in the pregnancy. The doctors tried to encourage us to hold onto hope and each day, we chose to cling to the fact that our baby was already so deeply loved and cared for that despite whatever storms we would face, we knew that one day we will have the joy of celebrating this new life!

On December 26, we received confirmation that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I had never felt so broken; over a gift we had never anticipated or asked for! Y’all, I am still asking questions. I still don’t know the end of this story or why we won’t ever have the chance to meet our little boy or girl here on earth. What I do know is this: he or she will be made new. One day, I will feel those tiny little hands hold mine and hold that precious little life with mine. What I am sure of is that our baby is being cared for far better than I could have ever attempted and that the restoration is happening right now. That even though we never got the chance to name our angel or hear what their little cry sounds like, they are safe. One day, we will see the tiny little face behind the sonograph photos and because of that promise, I have JOY in sharing about their life.

I don’t think the “grieving process” is really a process at all. My heart will always ache to meet our little boy or girl in heaven. But, the stigma of embarrassment or multitude of other reasons to not share doesn’t resonate with me personally. My heart breaks for those who have walked through a painful situation like ours and I have absolutely no judgment of the choice to not share publicly. However, I am just as proud of this baby as I am of my two little girls.

One of the significant reasons we’ve felt so led to share this chapter of our lives is to encourage those who may be walking through something like this now. In my deepest moments of grief, I ached to open up with other women who have, or are, experiencing a loss. A camaraderie of sorts; to lean on and work through the struggle together. Y’all, I’ve mentioned several times that I have not seen the big picture yet. Ben and I are still walking one step at a time. However, there are few topics that I enjoy discussing more right now than all THREE of my babies, and I mean with my whole entire heart that for those that are still searching for that shoulder to lean on – I would absolutely LOVE to hear about the precious little lives that you are celebrating as well.

xoxo

Family photos courtesy of the incredible Keziah Loht

edited by Cross Photography